165 | Shades of Blue - Kay Matthews
This is a story that includes loss - In memory of Troya Simone
Kay’s expectation of pregnancy was to feel joy. Her life was falling into place the way she wanted it to regarding her personal and professional life. She inquired about the effects of her workload and the pregnancy. Her provider said as long as she felt good, she could continue working the way she had been. Despite her provider's reassurance, she decided to start scaling back her work as a chef/entrepreneur. A few weeks later, she started feeling bad while she was at a party. She had a high pain tolerance and found herself pushing through without seeking help, submitting to the strong Black woman persona. The pain continued, and Kay called 911; she woke up in the ICU. Kay lost her baby. She lost the joy in her pregnancy. Her daughter was stillborn. She couldn’t hold her, not because she wasn't allowed but because she didn’t want to; there was a disconnect. Ten years later, she still feels that loss.
The postpartum period for the parents of a stillborn child goes beyond the initial trauma of not bringing their child home. Kay and her husband live in the state of Texas, where it is required to name and bury their child. She had to ask the nurse where her baby was as if no one had considered her in the process. Her OB told her that she had never lost a baby. The coldness of the responses, tone, and lack of care added more pain to her grief. The medical staff at the hospital offered microaggressions with a side of coldness, leaving her to feel blamed for the loss.
Life after the loss was harder than the loss. The words of her friends and family weren’t comforting. The idea of another opportunity to be pregnant again didn’t soothe or heal her. Give it time; tough words that proved to be isolating. The help she needed was hard to explain. She couldn’t articulate what she needed even when people asked her directly. Kay described herself as a broken plate without enough glue to put it back together.
A rebirth at 7-8 months postpartum saved Kay. She could feel herself withering away. The domino effect of infant loss started and shifted her community, the loss of things and people, friendships, and relationships, including her partner. They had to separate and rebuild from scratch after Kay spent some time to herself in deep healing. Journaling her feelings helped her explore her patterns and how to dictate the outcomes of her days. She started asking people about their birth stories, which opened the door for people to talk about their losses, abortions, joy, and pain. Kay saw the mental health needs of birthing people as a new cause to fight and build for. Her life as a chef was winding down as she fulfilled her commitments without the love for the work.
Kay’s passion for Black Maternal Mental Health grew The Shades of Blue Project. Centering the experience of birth and not the outcome is inclusive and not isolating. Social support in the form of diapers, formula, etc. Mental health support for losses of all types, miscarriages, stillbirths, and abortions. Creating safe spaces that are accessible for the people, decreasing barriers to resources, help serve those who need it most. A beautiful boutique designed to empower its clients to be engaged in their own experiences with dignity. What you do for yourself helps you serve others. This year (2023) the Black Maternal Mental Health Week, created and hosted by Kay and The Shades of Blue Project, will continue their I.N.S.P.I.R.E. Method training. The intention is to provide compassionate care methods specifically for women of color and minorities, which doulas can implement, midwives, clinicians, and those facilitating support groups.
Resources:
Shades of Blue Project | dedicated to helping women before, during and after child-birth with community resources, mental health advocacy, treatment, and support